I was driving home from work to pick up Mike from school to take him to his ortho appt. I left about ten minutes earlier than usual and I took a different way home than I usually take. I was thinking today about the people who were on the 35W Bridge when it collapsed. I am sure some of them were earlier or later than usual or even on the bridge when they usually wouldn't be. I don't know why you are where you are at the moment something happens. It is just such a mystery to me.
I do believe that our struggle is not against flesh and blood. And do believe that things just happen because of how our world is. I believe that God is able to save me and protect me. I also believe that even if He doesn't He is good and worthy to be praised.
I am about struggled out. Growing weary of hard things. But even as I say that I can find something good in it. I have said it before....Life is full of bitter sweetness.
I remember when Brian was in the hospital in the 9th grade. It was such a hard, painful experience to go through for him and for me with him. That was the bitter part of life. But Brian and I grew closer in our relationship during that time. That is the sweetness of life.
Back to the accident. :) I was driving down Highway 61 and took the 80th Street exit. The lady that hit me was on 80th going west. I was heading south and turning east onto 80th when she came from the east going west. She hit the driver's door of my van. Actually, after I saw the van I realized she hit more by the front tire and the front of my door. When she hit me the car door came in on me a little and I slammed my head on the window of the door. My head must have swung back pretty hard because my glasses ended up flying across the car and hit the window on the other side of the car.
I didn't see her before she hit me. I was in the left turn lane. There are two turn lanes in that intersection. My car ended up facing a little bit west and pretty close to the median dividing east and west bound traffic. So she pushed me from my lane across the next lane and forward toward the eastbound traffic.
I sat kind of confused for a bit. I don't think I went unconscious, though I don't remember anything for the first few seconds after the impact. The first thing I remember is wondering why things were blurry and realized that my glasses were gone. I do remember the sound of them hitting the window, just didn't know what it was at the time.
Everything is so confused, time is all mixed up in my mind. I remember just sitting there not moving, just dazed. A woman came up to my door and yelled through the closed door/window and asked if I was ok. I nodded that I was ok. I was able to lower the window and I could hear another woman talking to 911 about me and the other woman. Giving information about each of us. I started at some point to feel the pain in my head and my leg. I told the woman that my head hurt pretty bad and she relayed that info to the woman on the phone who told the emergency service. I had the presence of mind to call Lynn and ask her to tell Mike I wasn't coming to take him to his appt. and to arrange for Kari stay with Lori McCrady at school.
Mike heard all the sirens and called me after talking to Lynn. The police officer was taking my insurance card and driver's license and told me I should answer my phone. It was Mike and he was upset and worried. I tried to reassure him, but I don't think I did a very good job of it. I told him to go to his appt. and I would call later.
I started to cry after that. Pretty hard. I had quite a bit of anxiety and started to hyperventilate. The officer on the scene was helpful in getting me to calm down and breathe deeper.
A lady and her husband who were in the vehicle behind me came up at one point to see how I was and to tell me that I had a green light and the other woman had run a red light. They said they saw it all and would talk to the police.
I overheard a man talking with the other woman about people who run red lights. I thought he was talking about me and I got upset all over again. The officer calmed me down and told me to let the insurance company worry about that.
I had a pretty good sized egg on my head and I was crying and confused. I wanted to call someone to take me to the hospital, but because of the head injury they wouldn't let me. Instead they put a neck brace on me and took me out the passenger side of the van on a back board and into an ambulance. The other woman went to the hospital the same way.
In the ambulance they were trying to keep me calm and get my identification and insurance info. One of the paramedics asked if he could call my husband. It took me a while before I could compose myself to tell him that I didn't have a husband and that I had already called my daughter and there was really no one to call.
I think it was the loneliest time in my life. In the ambulance and in the emergency room, confused, emotional and in pain. In my mind it just seemed rediculas to call Brian to come from Shakopee just to sit in a waiting room, or Lynn who had to tend to Raiya, or Laura who didn't have a car anyway. Over the years, leaving my old church and so many of my friends, working full time and managing a family of six and all their life events and crisis' and rebellions has taken a toll on my friendships. It just didn't seem like there was anyone to call. And I cried all the more.
I know now looking back on it that it was partly the brain injury that was causing me not to be able to control my emtions. I know I was confused. When I went to the doctor on Friday I didn't really remember anything that they told me in the ER. Just that my tests were fine. Which in my mind told me I was fine. But I wasn't really fine and it was upsetting me.
I really couldn't sleep on Tuesday night. I woke every hour. I finally got up at 3:00 a.m. and got ready for work. My body was really starting to hurt. I started work early and in a lot of pain. I was having a hard time making decisions about my paperwork and training. I couldn't focus on the work. I suppose a lot because the pain was getting so bad. By the time I left at 1:15 p.m. I couldn't lift my purse with my left arm. My whole left side was in extreme pain and I was off balance and crying again. I should have stayed home, but I didn't want to loose PTO time for my summer vacation.
I didn't make it to work on Thursday. My head ached, my whole body ached. I couldn't turn my head at all. I was saying words wrong, and saying the wrong words, I was stuttering Kari's name and it took me so long to think through something before I could do it. I cried non-stop Thursday and Friday.
At the doctor on Friday she helped me understand that even though my CT Scan showed no internal bleeding I still had a minor brain injury or concussion we used to call them. That my emotional crying and confusion was typical of brain injury. That I should expect to fully recover, but I need to rest. Which wasn't hard to convince me as I had just spent the last two days in bed. I was so tired, all I could do was sleep.
I am still fatigued and have headaches. My muscle soreness is limited just to parts of my neck now. I have bruising on my hip. I am assuming from my seat belt. My right leg is healing, ugly green bruise and a scab over the sore now.
But the hard part is the mental fatigue. I think so slowly and tire so easily and have such a hard time coping with my life...it seems just so overwhelming. I am experiencing anxiety. I have had anxious moments in my life, but this anxiety is awful. I get a panicky feeling and start to loose my breath.
Every time I think about getting up at 3:30 in the morning and starting the routine of my life I despair because I feel so weak and just don't know how I am going to resume life as it was. I know it will just be a matter of time, but I feel like I should be a lot better by now than I am.
Brian, Emily and Sydney, Tammy and Syd came over and gave us Easter! They brought the food and made it. We had cheese eggs, biscuits and gravey and fruit. It was delicious. Brian got the plastic eggs ready and hid the eggs for Mike, Steve and Kari! After having missed Christmas because I was sick I was distraught over Easter not happening. In their love and graciousness Brian, Emily, Syd and Tammy gave me my Easter and filled me up with love.
Lynn and Laura and Kari took care of me all week end. Cleaned the house and gave me meals.
It allowed me to relax and rest guilt free.
Poor Tammy, sick with a cold and she had to come over and cook my Easter Brunch.
I wish I could find a way to express what it is like being a single mom and being flat on my back not being able to do what a mom is suppose to do. To feel like I am letting everyone down and missing out on making memories. When you are married your spouse can carry the double load for the time being and life doesn't miss too much of a beat. But when you are single there isn't anyone to pass the baton to for a portion of the race.
So Lynn, Laura, Kari, Brian, Emily, Tammy and Syd....thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for caring and loving me. For giving the kids a good day and me too. May the Lord give you back tenfold what you have given me!
One day at a time. God is good no matter what my situation. I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends and I am not alone in this life. One day at a time.
Good-bye little green van! The insurance company totalled it and I will be looking for a new car. This is the first vehicle I purchased for myself a single person. Paid cash for it with a little help from my sister, Andrea. It was a great vehicle! Praying the Lord will find me a good running car.
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